Twins Aren't Creepy or Cute; They're People

I'm on the left. The only way I know is because I loved the red Power Ranger.

I am a twin. 

A fraternal twin, mind you, so don’t get too excited. Being a twin isn’t a big deal, but sometimes people have a strange fascination with them. The spectrum ranges from creepy, like the twins from The Shining, to an outright fetish. In between the spectrum, twins are marvels, illusions with physical forms.

Back in the days of yore, my twin brother and I were walking twin stereotypes: same clothes, same haircut, same room, same initials. Even though we weren’t identical, we looked close enough alike that it didn’t really matter to people. “Oh, look at the twins!” I could hear people exclaim, like we were some kind of zoo exhibit.

Being a twin is a gift and a curse, though it has gotten better the older we have gotten and the farther we get from looking the same. On the one hand, you get this partner in crime who goes through the same development as you at the exact same time. Depending on your relationship with your twin, you are either best buds or mortal enemies. The worst part, well, is the world’s reaction to twins.

Who is older?

Do you have a twin language?

Are you two just alike?

Have you ever switched places with each other?

Which one is the evil one and who is good?

Can you talk to each other telepathically?

I wish I had a twin.

Sure, if you want to be made a spectacle. I think I would have felt better as a twin growing up without people gawking and asking asinine questions.

Sure, there were ways we tried to get around the confusion and awkwardness. In elementary school, my brother and I wore shirts with our respective names stitched on them. During school photos, our parents made us wear the same clothes, but if his hair was sticking up, I’d make sure to flatten mine. During recess, we separated from each other, making our own friends.

These changes increased drastically as we grew older, changing our wardrobe from each other along with our body image. If you look at my brother, he is bald and fit, whereas I am overweight and have hair (though it is thinning at a drastic rate, so I might have to copy him sooner rather than later). At our cores, we are very similar, but, at the same time, quite different.

Something we can’t change (well, we can, but it sounds like a huge hassle) is our names. For parents of twins, triplets, quadruplets, and so on who think it’s cute to give your children rhyming names or names starting with the same letter (or worse, the same name but with a different spelling ex. Jon and John), I have to tell you something: it isn’t cute. It will never be cute. It makes being a twin a little bit more complicated.

For example, my brother and I share names beginning with the letter T. Furthermore, we have the exact same initials. Though we look much different these days, people still stumble over our names. They say they can tell who is who, but, because our names begin with the same letter, they trip over it. Go figure. And I can’t say how often my brother or I have gotten an assignment back in school that was meant for the other brother.

Not only is it demeaning, but it reinforces identity issues. Instead of being individuals, twins are seen as two people who share the same identity. Or worse, perhaps more from a fraternal perspective, one of the twins can develop an inferiority complex, feeling like a failed copy. I’ll admit it; I had those feelings while going through middle school and high school. I felt like my brother was better at everything, had more friends than me, and looked better than me, which only led me to wonder why I even existed.

I remember a certain moment with great clarity. I was in biology class in high school. I was working on an assignment when I overheard two people a few seats behind me talking. I can’t remember the exact topic, but I do remember they were talking about my brother and me.

Boy 1: Which Trosper was it?

Boy 2: Does it matter?

I didn’t say anything because I couldn’t. That tiny bit of dialogue hurt me to my core. Are we not individuals? Twins aren’t clones or emotionless robots. We think our own thoughts, emote our own emotions, and speak with our own voices. Twins are their own people, whether you think of them as the same person or not.

Through it all, my brother and I have had each other’s backs. I know, it’s one cliché of many, but I freely admit my brother is my best friend. Though we are alike, our differences help us get along. We’re adults now, and though we live together for the moment, you never know what will happen one of these days. In all honesty, I am a little afraid to think about life without him. As Gene Belcher from Bob's Burgers would say, we live our lives from the womb to the tomb. Besides, the only problem we have to worry about these days is the weird looks we get after having our IDs checked when we purchase alcohol.

In the end, all I ask is, please, if you have twins, know twins, or hope to one day be in the presence of twins, treat them as the individuals they are and not some kind of magic trick.

Being Passive-Aggressive, or Being a Civilized Dick

There is an evil creature lying deep within my subconscious. It lies in wait for the right opportunity to strike those around me. It is cunning, deceptive, manipulative, and its only weakness is direct confrontation. I’m talking about my passive-aggressive behavior, of course.

If you don’t know what it means to be passive-aggressive, the definition can be found here. Or I’ll be direct and tell you that it means being indirect when expressing negative feelings. You might have experienced this when someone asked you to do something you didn’t want to do. Sure, you can make excuses: “The weather looks bad; I don’t think I can go.” You could completely ignore the request until the last minute, saying, “Sorry, I didn’t look at your text in time.” Or you could be like me and add “I guess” to the end of your sentences, hinting at your unwillingness without saying, “No thanks, I don’t want to do it.” Most of the time, my method ended with me…well, doing something I didn’t want to do.

To be frank, being passive-aggressive is terrible behavior. Many people do it in order to get back at people or unleash their frustration. A classic setting for passive-aggressive behavior, sadly, is within the work environment. Coworkers put on their smiling masks among their peers only to remove them at the water cooler to unleash juicy gossip. People backstab, withhold information in order to sabotage others, give false praise, give the silent treatment, or just hide under the “I’m just kidding” sarcasm shield. It’s a way to let out your anger without going on a homicidal rampage, but it hurts emotionally rather than physically.

Take for example an incident that happened at one of my places of employment. Names have been changed for obvious reasons:

Joe and Jill sat by each other during work and enjoyed discussing their favorite TV shows. There is no rule against talking in the work place, otherwise their work would be rather dull. However, their coworker Betty couldn’t stand hearing them talk. Did it distract her from her own work? Maybe. Did she not like the topics they discussed? Maybe. It’s hard to say. The logical thing would be to ask Joe and Jill to lower their voices or to keep their discussions work appropriate, right? Yes, but in a work environment, that isn’t the case. Betty remained quiet, Joe and Jill oblivious to the irritation they caused.

Later that day, Joe and Jill heard through the grapevine (oh that poisonous grapevine) that Betty had been talking about them behind their backs, wishing they would shut up and do their work. Joe and Jill were, of course, frustrated because even though they talked to each other a lot, they were still hard workers. Furthermore, they wished Betty had been direct with them rather than slandering them and spreading false rumors.

So what happened next? Direct confrontation? An epic battle to end all battles? What happened next was…nothing. Joe and Jill took the hint and spoke less. Betty never admitted anything about her frustration, and Joe and Jill never confronted her about it. The situation was somewhat resolved, but the hostility remained. Anti-climactic, no? It’s pretty much an everyday situation in a work environment, and count yourself lucky if you don’t notice events like this (stay away from the grapevine!).

On a personal level, passive-aggressive behavior to me is trying not to be a dick…and failing miserably at it. In my mind, I have used passive-aggressive behavior in order to avoid upsetting people. The word “no” can be devastating given the right context, and that’s why I would take any other route imaginable in order to avoid the pit trap that is “no.” But even if I think I’m using this behavior in the best interest of a friend or family member, I’m only being selfish and avoiding confrontation. Take for an example a very mundane, passive-aggressive argument I shared with my brother the other day:

Bro: I did half of the dishes, but I couldn’t finish the rest. If you want to, you can do the rest. Or I’ll do them later. Or you can just let the water out and leave them.

Me: Oh, well, maybe. I did have plans, but I guess I could.

Bro: You don’t have to.

Me: Oh, no, it’s cool, if I have time.

Painfully awkward, I know, but it was an amusing example (in hindsight) of passive-aggressive behavior in action. Instead of just asking me to do the dishes directly, my brother went in a roundabout fashion to tell me to do them while giving me a ticket to the guilt trip express. I, on the other hand, said I’d do it but threw my guilt trip ticket right back at him by stating I had plans (I honestly did, no lie, but I shouldn’t have used that as an excuse). Here’s how it should have went down:

Bro: I did half of the dishes, but I couldn’t finish the rest. Do you mind doing the rest when you get home?

Me: No problem.

Quick, painless, and to the point.

I feel as though I use passive-aggressive behavior because I don’t want to burden anyone, but the behavior itself is the actual burden. The behavior burdens the recipient with guilt, shame, anger, and a whole slew of negative emotions. You aren’t making them any happier than if you said “no” instead, and sometimes passive-aggressive behavior comes off as manipulative and underhanded.

In the end, being passive-aggressive is dishonest and really a waste of time. But what should I and countless other people do to destroy the behavior completely? Be honest. If you have good friends and family, they will understand if you don’t want to do something. If they don’t, that’s their problem, right? Problems should be handled directly, even in the work environment, that way they can be handled quickly and efficiently. Don’t be afraid to admit your own faults, but also don’t be afraid to point out that you are right. If you see someone else being passive-aggressive, drag them into the light of confrontation, even if they are kicking and screaming (okay, maybe don’t follow this sentence literally). I'm not advocating rudeness or complete aggression; honest, mature discussion is possible, but you have to start it. There are more good examples of strategies here.

I’m not perfect, though. I’ve been trying to follow this advice, but it’s tough. I don’t want to disappoint people, but I know I upset people more when I act passive-aggressively. It’s like I smoke five packs of cigarettes a day and hope beyond hope that it doesn’t affect my health. Every day is another challenge to be better than the person you were yesterday. Sometimes I’m worse; sometimes I kick that old version of me’s ass.