You Can (Not) Grow Up: 20 Years of Evangelion (Part 2)

This is a continuation of my reflection on Evangelion's characters as they relate to my growing up. Be forewarned, there are spoilers galore!

In the case of Rei Ayanami

Rei Ayanami is an enigma within the Evangelion series. From her very first scene to her very last, she appears out of nowhere, watching Shinji silently. She too is an Evangelion pilot, but she doesn’t ooze the teenage hormones as much as the other pilots. She is quiet and determined to follow any order faithfully, even if it means it will lead to her destruction. Asuka compares her to a doll (sorta like the doll Asuka’s mother favored as her daughter, which may be another reason why Asuka hates Rei) because of her lack of emotions.

Behind her quiet demeanor, Rei is still just a girl. The only person who showed her kindness was Gendo Ikari, but when his son steps into the picture, everything changes. Before his arrival, Rei only smiled to Gendo. Before his arrival, Rei kept mostly to herself. But Shinji made her smile, made her try new things (such as cooking in both the manga and the Rebuild movies), and made her care about others’ survival.

Throw in that Rei is a clone of Shinji’s mother Yui and you have yourself an Oedipus Complex like no other. The second Rei dies before Shinji knows this, as she sacrifices herself for Shinji out of love. Even with the next Rei, she proves she isn’t a doll.

My shy, quiet nature might have cast me as cold and uncaring to some people, but that is far from the truth. Like Rei, I had fleeting thoughts of, “don’t worry, if I don’t achieve something, there is another me that will.” Here I am, bringing my twin issues back into this, but moments where Rei brushed off danger with thoughts of her insignificance really resonated with me. Granted, I realized my relationship with my twin brother was more like Rei and Kaworu’s relationship rather than Rei and her “sisters,” meaning we are fundamentally the same but also very different; we're just siblings. I really liked that contrast, and it made me feel just a little bit better about my own significance. You don't have to be a twin to wonder who you are and why you matter in the world.

 "Who is this? This is me."

Growing up, I always did as I was told. Do these tasks and you will achieve this specific grade. Do these steps and you will get through work. Many of us have done this. Many of us have also done things we didn’t want to do. Rei lives her life as a source of pleasure for Gendo but also as his puppet. However, in the End of Evangelion, Rei finally finds the courage to snap the threads controlling her. Instead of following Gendo’s orders, she takes a bet on her own heart and goes to Shinji. That scene in particular really spoke to me. I still do things I don’t want to do from time to time, but I’ve learned that saying no and doing what I want to do isn’t the end of the world. Granted, it kind of did lead to the end of the world in Evangelion, but that is beside the point.

Despite what Asuka claims, Rei is far from an emotionless doll. She is flawed, like every human being. She is not Yui, Shinji’s mother. Rei Ayanami is a person. Like me. Like you.

In the Case of Shinji Ikari

This is the big one. At the age of fourteen, Shinji Ikari was afraid of other people, afraid of how others perceived him, and, most of all, hated himself. He rejected his father’s request to pilot a giant robot many times, a request that many children (hell, even adults) would jump on given the opportunity. Some people say this makes Shinji a terrible main character, that he is whiny and overly emotional. However, I love Shinji simply because he was me.

During my first viewing of the series, I too was a fourteen year old boy. I too felt insecure and afraid to get close to others, the hedgehog’s dilemma. Though I hated the people around me at school, I hated myself most of all. I lacked confidence in myself. I exaggerated my failures and drowned in self-pity.

“All I ever do is hurt other people, so I’d rather do nothing at all!”

Granted, I didn’t have daddy issues (he worked two jobs when I was younger so I really didn’t see him all that much, but I was able to see him more once he went down to one job) nor do I have access to a giant robot (maybe someday...), but the connection was there. If I couldn’t be Shinji, I could at least easily see myself being friends with him. Every episode, I hung onto every scene he was in.

Near the end of the series, Shinji slowly becomes more and more alone. His classmates high-tail it 

out of Tokyo-3 out of fear of further destruction of the city. Asuka goes into a coma after being mentally raped by an Angel. Misato becomes distant after the death of her love, Kaji. Shinji increases his distance from Rei after he learns the disturbing truth behind her existence (harken back to the Oedipus Complex I mentioned earlier).

I pitied him, but I knew the pain of being abandoned. In elementary school, I met my first friend that wasn’t a relative. I used to do everything with him, but then he left for another school. We talked over the phone a few times after that, but our friendship quickly fizzled and died. With my brother in different classes, I went into middle school alone.

I actually like the friendship that blossoms between Shinji and Kaworu (inb4yaoipairing). Sure, you could argue that the time Kaworu entered the scene was a bit too convenient, during a time when Shinji was incredibly vulnerable, but it wasn’t like Kaworu was completely using him. He let Shinji live in order for him and humanity to continue. Kaworu cared enough for Shinji to sacrifice his own life, and that’s saying something. Sure, their friendship is kind of the opposite in the manga, but even then Shinji feels regret for killing Kaworu. Their friendship is brief but significant. For me as well, friendship saved me going into high school. When I felt alone and lost, friends were there to dig me out of the darkness.

Expanding on the need of companionship, The End of Evangelion was a critical time for both Shinji and myself. The Human Instrumentality Project reached its boiling point, and Shinji had to make a decision: either accept Instrumentality and have every single soul become one or keep living an ordinary life with the threat of being hurt and rejected by others. Either retreat from the world and everyone in it or allow yourself to get close to others.

 Shinji's scream always makes my spine shiver.

In the end, Shinji rejected Human Instrumentality and allowed humanity to once again regain their separate forms. Life is full of pain, but he realized there are people he cared about and others who cared about him as well.

I had few friends in middle school, but I wasn’t completely alone. I had a family who cared about me and the few people who did associate with me I wouldn’t trade for the world. Like Shinji, I wouldn’t throw my relationships away, good or bad. If it’s all or nothing, I’d rather keep them all. What little good I had made the bad bearable.

"Is it okay for me to be here?"

*Silence*

After first finishing the series, I felt a sort of hollowness, a farewell to friends who meant the world to me. But I took the lessons I learned and applied them to my life. I developed a barrier around my heart to defend against the people who picked on me. I wasn’t perfect nor will I ever be, but I developed the strength to stand up to my bullies. If I hadn’t experienced Evangelion (or Xenosaga for that matter, but again, a blog for another time), I’m not sure how my life would have turned out.

Marking Time, Waiting for Death

I’ve grown a lot since I first watched Neon Genesis Evangelion, for the better and worse. Asuka, Rei, and (especially) Shinji will always be a part of me, but I know I’ve become less like them since leaving my teenage years behind. I still have shreds of them left in me; I still fear getting close to people sometimes and I still have days where I despise who I am, but it no longer controls me. I accept the roles those three characters played in my childhood, and I will never let go of the memories.

As I move forward, I’m starting to relate more to the older characters. From being afraid of being alone by 30 like Misato to longing for the past like Gendo, my adult anxieties only promise to increase with age. For an anime now 20 years old, I’m still learning how to cope with who I am through its characters. I don’t always agree with the direction of the series (the countless spinoff manga, Evangelion 3.33, the ridiculous products), but the anime and manga will always remain the classic that helped me through a difficult time. I hope I continue to learn from it as I continue down my path in life. Thank you, Hideaki Anno, for expressing a dark time for yourself in a way that mirrored my own soul as well.

My Evangelion shrine...don't judge.

...Here’s hoping Evangelion 4.0 comes out before the 25^th or even 30^th anniversary of the series.

You Can (Not) Grow Up: 20 Years of Evangelion (Part 1)

Twenty years ago, Neon Genesis Evangelion was introduced to the world. Since its inception, the series has spawned various movies, spinoffs, figures, theme park attractions, underwear, and even buckets. It’s a phenomenon that changed the anime industry and inspired many creators in the process. For those of you who either aren’t anime nerds, born too late, or have lived under a rock for the past twenty years, the series revolves around three teenagers who must pilot giant robots in order to save humanity from creatures called Angels. The series has a modest start, focusing purely on a story of a boy trying to save the world, but grows much deeper as the show goes on.

I haven’t been with the series since day one (I would have been six years old), but I have been a diehard fan for well over a decade now. I originally watched the show at the age of 14, the same age as the protagonist of the series, Shinji Ikari. I was in middle school (as mentioned in one of my other blogs as the worst time in my life), so I would say around the same time I got into the Xenosaga video game series (a blog for another time…). My older sister worked at the public library, so, from time to time, she would check out something for my brother and me. Our anime kick was in full swing around this time, what with Toonami and Adult Swim introducing us to the world. One fateful day, our sister just so happened to check out the Neon Genesis Evangelion boxset for us, changing my life forever.

You might wonder why I am so obsessed with this show. Do I simply like it because of its popularity? For the giant robot action? For the random religious references? To be fair, a few of those questions have a bit of truth to them (except the popular part, since I didn’t know what it was and I didn’t have internet at home until a few years later), but the real reason I love the series so much is because of the characters. From the fiery attitude of Asuka to the immense self-hatred surrounding Shinji, I fell in love with these kids who were the exact same age as me. There were so many characters I related to, and even now I feel myself relating to more of the cast as I grow older. Today I will focus primarily on a single character, but I intend to elaborate on more in future installments. Otherwise, I will write a 20 page essay that will bore the crap out of you.

**Warning: Spoilers ahead!**

In the case of Asuka Langley Sohryu

Asuka, the fiery red head of the series, is a character I was surprised by how much I could relate to her. A part German and Japanese Eva pilot, Asuka is introduced a little later than the other characters of the series. However, her late introduction does nothing to impair her character. She’s sassy, self-confident, and a college graduate at the age of fourteen. She sounds like she has everything going on with her life.

But behind her bravado is a damaged girl looking for acceptance. She wants to prove herself not only on the battlefield but as a human being. Her inferiority complex is only exasperated by Shinji Ikari, who not only defeated an Angel the first time he piloted but also became an overall better pilot than Asuka. Kaji denies her advances, as he is a man much, much older than her, but Asuka still sees herself as this strong adult.

During her childhood, her mother took part in the Evangelion experiments, causing her to go insane. She started to ignore her daughter’s existence, putting all of her love and attention on a doll instead. Before Asuka could prove herself, she walked in on her mother’s suicide. Asuka’s desperate need to be strong, self-sufficient, and the best stem from this very moment.

 

(Probably one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite episodes)

Yeesh, you might say. How do I resonate with such a character? I don’t have a tragic backstory like her nor a flamboyant and strong personality. But I do feel for her.

As a twin, as I’ve mentioned before, I had my fair share of insecurities. In comparison to my brother, I felt inferior, unnecessary. Unlike Asuka, I didn’t strive to prove myself. But, like Asuka, I hid my feelings from everyone. Like her, I was too proud to talk about my feelings or even come to an understanding with the one person that I felt inferior to. I have since overcome these feelings (granted, clarity didn’t come in a giant robot fight against nine other robots ala Asuka), but I will always remember that time in my life. If anything, watching Evangelion at that critical time in middle school made me realize those feelings and deal with them a lot quicker than I would have without it.

To be honest, I didn’t really like Asuka that much when I originally watched the show. I felt she was too cocky, too mean, especially to Shinji. Her relationship with Kaji seemed awkward and sadly one-sided. However, after finishing the show and letting the years pass, I realize how much I sympathized with Asuka. She was like me, a teenager thrown in to the arms of puberty. It’s a confusing and hectic time, and throwing other people into the mix can either help or damage you. At my worst, I hated everyone, the people I went to school with, society, and most of all, myself. Asuka made me realize that other people can feel the same way, but also that it can be overcome.

So, to you, Asuka, you red-haired demon, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for realizing my own insecurities.

To be continued

I'm an Introvert, and That's Okay

As a child, I’ve been told I was quite wild. I was outgoing and joked a lot. I’m not sure what happened to that kid. Maybe my parents are confusing me with some long lost triplet I used to have. Maybe that kid died.

If you remotely know me, you probably have an inkling that I am an introvert. I’ve been an introvert as long as I can remember. I’m the kid who, in sixth grade, almost had a panic attack while reading a story in front of his English class. I was the kid who never liked to raise his hand and ask questions in front of the class; I always waited until after the lesson had ended to ask my questions privately. I was the kid bullies targeted because I wouldn’t talk back.

Being an introvert sometimes means you are susceptible to bullies, or at least I was in middle school. My worst bully once said the reason I didn’t talk to people was because I thought I was better than everyone else, that I didn’t want to stoop to everyone’s level. I never thought that. Heck, in middle school, I felt the exact opposite, my self-hatred making me believe that I was human scum. Bullies only exasperated my angst. I think the real reason I was targeted was because I was seen as meek, easy prey. I was too polite and bashful to stand up for myself, and, at the time, I didn’t have very many friends to help me. Even then, I would have been mortified to ask for assistance. But, still remaining an introvert, I overcame my bully issues in high school; I no longer gave them the satisfaction of demeaning me. The funny thing was, as soon as I stood up for myself, I became invisible to them, like I had outrun the predator to the point where he wasn’t interested anymore. It felt good, empowering even. It was a tough thing to do, so I don’t throw it out there lightly for other introverts to try, but if you do find the courage to stand up to your bully, you won’t regret it.

Another misconception about introverts is that we hate people. I wouldn’t say I hate people (to counter, I wouldn’t say I like everyone either, ex. my bullies, but that’s not the point). College introduced me to a world of student organizations and classes with peers of similar mindsets; suddenly, I became a social butterfly. I may be shy and uncomfortable around people I don’t know, but I enjoy talking with my friends and hanging out. Sometimes hanging out can just be a friend and me sitting in the same room, playing two separate video games than each other and barely talking. Furthermore, I was part of a club in college where we did nothing but sit in a quiet room and watch anime every Sunday night. It’s a refreshing experience, being social and not social at the exact same time. But I also don’t mind throwing a party of some sort every once in a while. I value my alone time a lot more than social interaction, but even I get lonely.

The other day at work, I probably said less than five sentences the entire day, and I loved every single minute of it. I wasn’t being rude to my coworkers. I wasn’t upset. I wasn’t afraid to talk. Being quiet made me feel at peace, an almost state of zen. If I have to talk, I will, and if I want to talk, I will. That’s a difference I’ve realized over the years. At first, I was simply afraid to talk to anyone (I still am, but to a lot less of an extent). Now I choose not to talk out of the comfort that being quiet gives me. It almost sounds like the same thing, doesn’t it? Choice is the key difference.

I know humanity is a social species; it’s part of our process of survival. I don’t see personal bubbles as a way of confining people, but merely a different way of interacting with the world. We don’t have to be friends with everyone we meet as much as we don’t have to be enemies. But those few people who we deem worthy to be our friends respect our comfort zones and help us when we’re in trouble. Likewise, I do the same thing for my friends whenever possible. Introverts aren't complete hermits who shun society and everyone in it. I do see how paranoid and untrusting being introverted might appear, but we don’t let just anyone into our personal bubbles.

Being an introvert isn’t something to be cured (“come out of your shell,” as the saying goes). It isn’t something to be hated. You shouldn’t feel bad for the kid who prefers to sit alone during lunch. We just like to be alone to our thoughts. We like the world within ourselves instead of the noise of the outside world. I used to shun this aspect of myself, but I’ve come to fully embrace it and take comfort from it.