This is a continuation of my reflection on Evangelion's characters as they relate to my growing up. Be forewarned, there are spoilers galore!
In the case of Rei
Ayanami
Rei Ayanami is an enigma within the Evangelion series. From her very first scene to her very last, she
appears out of nowhere, watching Shinji silently. She too is an Evangelion
pilot, but she doesn’t ooze the teenage hormones as much as the other pilots.
She is quiet and determined to follow any order faithfully, even if it means it
will lead to her destruction. Asuka compares her to a doll (sorta like the doll
Asuka’s mother favored as her daughter, which may be another reason why Asuka
hates Rei) because of her lack of emotions.
Behind her quiet demeanor, Rei is still just a girl. The
only person who showed her kindness was Gendo Ikari, but when his son steps
into the picture, everything changes. Before his arrival, Rei only smiled to
Gendo. Before his arrival, Rei kept mostly to herself. But Shinji made her
smile, made her try new things (such as cooking in both the manga and the
Rebuild movies), and made her care about others’ survival.
Throw in that Rei is a clone of Shinji’s mother Yui and you
have yourself an Oedipus Complex like no other. The second Rei dies before
Shinji knows this, as she sacrifices herself for Shinji out of love. Even with
the next Rei, she proves she isn’t a doll.
My shy, quiet nature
might have cast me as cold and uncaring to some people, but that is far from
the truth. Like Rei, I had fleeting thoughts of, “don’t worry, if I don’t
achieve something, there is another me that will.” Here I am, bringing my twin
issues back into this, but moments where Rei brushed off danger with thoughts
of her insignificance really resonated with me. Granted, I realized my
relationship with my twin brother was more like Rei and Kaworu’s relationship
rather than Rei and her “sisters,” meaning we are fundamentally the same but also
very different; we're just siblings. I really liked that contrast, and it made me feel just a little
bit better about my own significance. You don't have to be a twin to wonder who you are and why you matter in the world.
"Who is this? This is me."
Growing up, I always did as I was told. Do these
tasks and you will achieve this specific grade. Do these steps and you will get
through work. Many of us have done this. Many of us have also done things we
didn’t want to do. Rei lives her life as a source of pleasure for Gendo but
also as his puppet. However, in the End
of Evangelion, Rei finally finds the courage to snap the threads
controlling her. Instead of following Gendo’s orders, she takes a bet on her
own heart and goes to Shinji. That scene in particular really spoke to me. I
still do things I don’t want to do from time to time, but I’ve learned that
saying no and doing what I want to do isn’t the end of the world. Granted, it
kind of did lead to the end of the world in Evangelion,
but that is beside the point.
Despite what Asuka claims, Rei is far from an emotionless
doll. She is flawed, like every human being. She is not Yui, Shinji’s mother.
Rei Ayanami is a person. Like me. Like you.
In the Case of Shinji
Ikari
This is the big one. At the age of fourteen, Shinji Ikari
was afraid of other people, afraid of how others perceived him, and, most of
all, hated himself. He rejected his father’s request to pilot a giant robot
many times, a request that many children (hell, even adults) would jump on
given the opportunity. Some people say this makes Shinji a terrible main
character, that he is whiny and overly emotional. However, I love Shinji simply
because he was me.
During my first viewing of the series, I too was a fourteen
year old boy. I too felt insecure and afraid to get close to others, the hedgehog’s dilemma. Though I hated the people around me at school, I hated myself most of
all. I lacked confidence in myself. I exaggerated my failures and drowned in
self-pity.
“All I ever do is hurt other people, so I’d rather do
nothing at all!”
Granted, I didn’t have daddy issues (he worked two jobs when
I was younger so I really didn’t see him all that much, but I was able to see
him more once he went down to one job) nor do I have access to a giant robot (maybe someday...),
but the connection was there. If I couldn’t be Shinji, I could at least easily
see myself being friends with him. Every episode, I hung onto every scene he
was in.
Near the end of the series, Shinji slowly becomes more and
more alone. His classmates high-tail it
out of Tokyo-3 out of fear of further
destruction of the city. Asuka goes into a coma after being mentally raped by
an Angel. Misato becomes distant after the death of her love, Kaji. Shinji
increases his distance from Rei after he learns the disturbing truth behind her
existence (harken back to the Oedipus Complex I mentioned earlier).
I pitied him, but I knew the pain of being abandoned. In
elementary school, I met my first friend that wasn’t a relative. I used to do
everything with him, but then he left for another school. We talked over the
phone a few times after that, but our friendship quickly fizzled and died. With
my brother in different classes, I went into middle school alone.
I actually like the friendship that blossoms between Shinji
and Kaworu (inb4yaoipairing). Sure, you could argue that the time Kaworu
entered the scene was a bit too convenient, during a time when Shinji was incredibly
vulnerable, but it wasn’t like Kaworu was completely using him. He let Shinji
live in order for him and humanity to continue. Kaworu cared enough for Shinji
to sacrifice his own life, and that’s saying something. Sure, their friendship
is kind of the opposite in the manga, but even then Shinji feels regret for
killing Kaworu. Their friendship is brief but significant. For me as well, friendship saved me going into high school. When
I felt alone and lost, friends were there to dig me out of the darkness.
Expanding on the need of companionship, The End of Evangelion was a critical time for both Shinji and
myself. The Human Instrumentality Project reached its boiling point, and Shinji
had to make a decision: either accept Instrumentality and have every single
soul become one or keep living an ordinary life with the threat of being hurt
and rejected by others. Either retreat from the world and everyone in it or
allow yourself to get close to others.
Shinji's scream always makes my spine shiver.
In the end, Shinji rejected Human Instrumentality and
allowed humanity to once again regain their separate forms. Life is full of
pain, but he realized there are people he cared about and others who cared
about him as well.
I had few friends in middle school, but I wasn’t completely
alone. I had a family who cared about me and the few people who did associate
with me I wouldn’t trade for the world. Like Shinji, I wouldn’t throw my
relationships away, good or bad. If it’s all or nothing, I’d rather keep them
all. What little good I had made the bad bearable.
"Is it okay for me to be here?"
*Silence*
After first finishing the series, I felt a sort of
hollowness, a farewell to friends who meant the world to me. But I took the
lessons I learned and applied them to my life. I developed a barrier around my
heart to defend against the people who picked on me. I wasn’t perfect nor will
I ever be, but I developed the strength to stand up to my bullies. If I hadn’t
experienced Evangelion (or Xenosaga for that matter, but again, a
blog for another time), I’m not sure how my life would have turned out.
Marking Time, Waiting
for Death
I’ve grown a lot since I first watched Neon Genesis Evangelion, for the better and worse. Asuka, Rei, and (especially)
Shinji will always be a part of me, but I know I’ve become less like them since
leaving my teenage years behind. I still have shreds of them left in me; I
still fear getting close to people sometimes and I still have days where I
despise who I am, but it no longer controls me. I accept the roles those three characters
played in my childhood, and I will never let go of the memories.
As I move forward, I’m starting to relate more to the older
characters. From being afraid of being alone by 30 like Misato to longing for
the past like Gendo, my adult anxieties only promise to increase with age. For
an anime now 20 years old, I’m still learning how to cope with who I am through
its characters. I don’t always agree with the direction of the series (the
countless spinoff manga, Evangelion 3.33,
the ridiculous products), but the anime and manga will always remain the
classic that helped me through a difficult time. I hope I continue to learn
from it as I continue down my path in life. Thank you, Hideaki Anno, for
expressing a dark time for yourself in a way that mirrored my own soul as well.
 |
| My Evangelion shrine...don't judge. |
...Here’s hoping Evangelion 4.0 comes out before the 25th
or even 30th anniversary of the series.
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